I am 38 years old. I was a lesbian for 32 years. I knew at the age of 5 years old that I was different. I started out with crushes on my teachers and then at 13 years old I had a girl my age that I fell in love with. I was always closer to the female sex.
Now listen, I grew up Southern Baptist. I was always in the church. I accepted Jesus at the age of 14 years old and was also baptized. I truly gave my life to Jesus at that age, except for my love for the female sex. I had a couple of boyfriends (not at the same time) through middle school and high school. I never hated boys. (That is a misconception, that ALL lesbians hate men) I got along very well with the male sex.
I had always really thought that when the Bible spoke of homosexuality, that it was talking about lust, not love. So that became my stance for years to come. I knew that if I lusted for another woman, I was sinning and therefore asked Jesus for forgiveness. I was told through the years that a person could not be homosexual and Christian too. Well I thought the majority of Christians that said this were wrong since I really was saved and knew Christ.
Because I was saved at 14 and experienced the peace of Jesus in my life, I of course felt guilty when I sinned like all true Christians do. But I NEVER felt guilty over having feelings of love for another female! So, I was therefore delusional about this area of my life for years even as a born again believer!
I experimented with guys over the years. I liked the physical part, but I could never become emotionally attached to them like women. So, I knew that my life was meant to be spent with a woman. For years I would ask the Lord to give me a good Christian woman to settle down with! I had no guilt about asking my saviour this.
I backslid from Christ at 18. I moved to Jacksonville, Fl. and I was at awe with the night life of Jacksonville. I frequented lesbian bars and became very much 'out of the closet'. I started putting God on the back burner of my life. I was into the 'gay pride' thing. I even wore shirts proudly proclaiming my gayness. This lasted for a few years. I still had NO guilt of loving a woman, BUT I started feeling guilty about the sin of pride.
So, I wanted to get back to God. I started going to the local MCC (gay church) and started worshipping there. It didn't take me long to discern something wasn't quite right with this church. This church taught inclusiveness. Instead of praying 'Our Father which art in heaven...', this church prayed 'Our father/mother which art in heaven'. I knew that it was a false church, so I got out of there.
I started reading the Bible a lot again and praying again. I started asking God to make me and mold me into the woman that He wanted me to be. I stopped going out to bars because God was laying on me that it was wrong to go to bars. I still wasn't listening to the homosexuality part that God was trying to impress upon me. I became settled down with a woman that I eventually was with for almost 10 years. In 1990, I had a man friend that was willing to make me pregnant. I didn't want to go through life without a child of my own to raise. So in December of 1990 I gave birth to my now 11 year old son. (I also have two other children, ages 18 and 17, that were adopted out years ago, but after much prayer they are finally part of my life now).
In 1993, through a heterosexual church ministry, I really tasted the spirit filled life and finally knew what it meant to have a 'personal' relationship with Christ. I knew that I wanted Christ to be number one in my life. So, I considered myself to finally be a spirit filled lesbian Christian. I wanted to get into the ministry and to have my own church. I wanted to have a church for homosexuals that were born again evangelical Christians. I wanted to preach and be a voice against homosexuals who engaged in lustful relationships. I wanted to preach monogamy and how that really pleased God. Even though God was really working in my life, I still at this point had NO guilt over being a lesbian.
Finally, in July of the year 2000, I read a book by Mary K Baxter, A DIVINE REVELATION TO HELL. This book had quite an impact on me! This woman said in her book that when the Lord Jesus took her into hell, she saw a section of hell for people that committed sins of the flesh. The people that were in this section of hell were fornicators and homosexuals. Reading that part over and over again scared me silly.
After I read that, I got down on the floor and began wailing like never before. I was lying flat on the floor, face down and crying my heart out to Jesus. I asked God to please show me if what I was reading is true. I asked Him to show me if homosexuality was still a sin even when I remained monogamous to one woman. Everything else in my life was given over to Christ, except for that one area. I asked the Lord to move me like never before. I told the Lord that he knew my heart and he knew that I wanted to please Him more than anything else ever in my life.
So, I began a transformation. The Lord showed me about fornication first. He told me through the Holy Spirit, that having sex with anyone outside a marriage was wrong. Then he showed me that I had been living a lie ALL my life.
For someone who has been homosexual all their life, finding out that they were deceived for years, is a bitter pill to swallow. I took this very hard. But once I found out the truth, I got down on my knees and I cried out to God to forgive me of the sin of homosexuality. I finally allowed God to show me that I had been wrong. God had made other attempts in my life to show me the error of my ways, but I didn't listen and thought it wasn't God really telling me that at all.
After my confession, I started changing in so many other areas of my life. I became less liberal minded and started conforming to the ways of God. I am much happier now that I have finally confessed this sin before God. I still struggle with wanting affection from a woman from time to time. But most of the time they are nothing but fleeting thoughts and are not entertained.
I constantly ask God to keep making me and molding me into the woman he wants me to be. As I look back over the years of my life, I realize that he has been doing just that. Even though I gained salvation at 14, I feel like I am now beginning to be the Christian that God has always wanted me to be.
I still have a way to go. But I know that my God is not through with me yet!
Praise you Jesus for making a miracle out of me.